This week I bring to you a movie that I cannot even summon words to describe. This movie has space ships, a decimated Earth with no resources left, space vampires, space vampire hunters, and Michael Ironside. What is the name of this word-defying movie you ask? What does the movie poster look like? Well this movie actually has two names. Two names make a movie better, right? It sure does in my opinion, and really, as we all know it, my opinion is the only one that counts here. So without further ado, I give you the double-titled movie “Bloodsuckers” or “Vampire Wars“.
My review of this movie will only encourage you, my fine readers, to heed my words. DON’T FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! If you are so inclined to think you can handle this mess of a movie, I give you some alternate options I wish I had done instead of watching this movie.
1. Watch “BattleField Earth“.
2. Flay your own skin with rusty tools.
3. Pick your favorite hallucinogenic drug and eat beef made from cows with bovine spongiform encephalopathy.
4. Dress in Garanimals and wait for an ice cream truck that has “ice cream and naps” written on the side of it.
5. Drive by mental institutions or prisons and pick up hitchhikers.
6. Or any other form of painful torture that the CIA does not use on their prisoners.
Til the future.