Today is Friday the 13th… the inspiration of horror movies and general mayhem. Instead of being afraid of Friday the 13th and worrying about what bad luck may come about, let’s embrace it with open arms and empty stomachs. Let’s make some scary food! I wonder, what does Friday the 13th make you think of? Severed hands, intestines and fountains of blood? That sounds delectable! So hold Melvin’s hand, cover your eyes, and get ready for some deliciously blood curdling food that is going to make you scream for more.
First we will start with a severed hand meatloaf. This recipe is based upon the genius of Not Martha. You will need:
- 1 lb. ground beef
- 3 slices of provolone cheese
- 1 white onion
- 1 egg
- 1/2 cup breadcrumbs
- salt and pepper to taste
Step 1: In a large bowl, mix the beef, egg, breadcrumbs, salt and pepper together. Feel free to add extra ingredients to spice up your meatloaf. I added salsa, jalapenos, chopped onion and garlic to mine, and it came out horrifyingly good.
Step 2: Take a baking sheet and spray with nonstick cooking spray. Plop your meat mixture on top of that and sculpt it into the shape of a hand.
Step 3: Peel a few layers off of your onion and cut fingernail shaped slices out of the layers. I used scissors to get a good nail-shape out of them. Press them right onto your hand, well, not your hand exactly, press them onto the severed meat hand.
Step 4: Continue peeling your onion until you get to the center. Press this little onion center into the end of the meat hand so that it becomes the wrist bone sticking out. Just to add some gruesome reality to your food.
Step 5: Take the slices of provolone cheese and place them on top of the hand. Cut or tear the cheese so that you can place skinny pieces perfectly upon the fingers. The cheese will create an awfully realistic burnt skin look to your severed meat hand, isn’t your tummy just rumbling with hunger and excitement?
Step 6: Bake the meat hand at 350° for 1 hour.
Step 7: You can place the hand on a plate and pipe mashed potatoes around it for the sake of looking more presentable. You know, for if you’re trying to trick some annoying teenagers on Spring Break into eating it.
Step 8: Take the meat hand and quickly eat it to dispose of the evidence before that meddling police officer comes investigating.
Moving on! We can’t just have severed hands, that doesn’t make for a very filling meal, so how about some intestines to go along with that hand? This recipe is based upon a creation by a disturbing damsel of canarygirl.com. You will need:
- 1 roll frozen puff pastry, in sheet form
- any filling of your choice, sweet or savory
- 1 egg, beaten
- red and blue food coloring
- small paint brush
Step 1: Cut the puff pastry into long rectangles. Place the pastry rectangles onto a floured surface, parchment paper or wax paper.
Step 2: Take your filling of choice and spread it onto the center of the rectangles. I used ground turkey, orange pepper, jalapenos and Mexican cheese blend for my intestines.
Step 3: Gently fold the rectangle lengthwise and pinch the long sides of the rectangle closed, so that each rectangle forms a part of the intestine.
Step 4: Place the intestines into a greased baking dish.
Step 6: In a small bowl, mix 2 tbsp. of red food coloring and 2 drops of blue food coloring together.
Step 7: Take your small paint brush and lovingly paint bloody veins all over your intestines.
Step 8: Bake the intestines at 375° for 20 minutes.
Step 9: Marvel over how delicious those intestines look, they seem so much more appetizing in a pan rather than spilling out of someone’s stomach.
But wait! There’s more! No meal is complete without dessert, may I interest you in a sweet blood fountain? This mouth-watering monstrosity is from Horror Shock Lolipop. You will need:
- 2 containers of strawberries
- 1 roll frozen puff pastry, in sheet form
- 1 tbsp. honey or agave nectar
Step 1: Wash and quarter the strawberries. Set 1 cup of strawberries aside.
Step 3: Take a sheet of the puff pastry and place a few pieces of strawberry and a little strawberry sauce into the center.
Step 4: Fold each corner of the puff pastry over to create a square.
Step 5: Take another sheet of puff pastry and place this square into the center.
Step 6: Pull all of the corners up into the center, twist the top and pinch, forming a fountain-like shape.
Step 7: Bake at 375° for 15 minutes.
Step 8: Take the little fountains out of the oven and pour the blood, I mean, strawberry sauce, over the center of the fountain, allowing the blood to spill over the sides as if coming out of a fountain.
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