Haywire
If anything the movie “Haywire” shows how influential the Jason Bourne movies have been. The style of sleek smart spy thrillers gave competition to the flashy explosive nature of James Bond films. Personally I felt it was a good thing and a natural evolution to the genre. “Haywire” has enough originality and personality to keep it from being a rip off, but you can’t deny that this film has a very Bourne feel to it. The main difference you’ll notice right off the bat is that the main protagonist is female. The character (played by fitness model and MMA fighter Gina Carano) plays a fine balancing act to keep from being too butch but also keeps from being overly feminine and helpless. What we end up with is a strong female lead that can handle herself, but can still be female and sexy. Personally, I thoroughly like the character because it didn’t fall back on presumptions or weak ideals of how women should behave. She never once acts like she has a scrotum but also she never needs a timeout to cry out her feelings. I would ask her to marry me if I wasn’t afraid she’d kick my ass.
Great main character aside, the rest of the movie is mostly well crafted as well. “Haywire” doesn’t have the greatest plot in the world, but it serves its purpose. The action is also well done with plenty of well crafted hand to hand fight scenes that end in its fair share of submission moves. There is one moment where I have to cry foul though. Our heroine is fighting a SWAT guy and overpowers him by kicking him in the nuts. One, we should be able to get through one movie with a female lead without a nut shot. Two, the guy was wearing a hundred fifty pounds of body armor and he wasn’t wearing a cup? Please. But beyond a few small details, most of the movie plays out fairly well. It was also nice to see so many noticeable stars taking up minor roles throughout. Their characters are fairly stock, but at least they’re played to near perfection. “Haywire” is just a good action flick with a strong female lead. Though some of it does feel like a Bourne movie with a lot less penis.
Sucker Punch
I hate it when my instincts are right. My brain is usually pessimistic so it warns me when something might be bad. The initial previews of “Sucker Punch” had me thinking that it looked kind of cool but it seemed to be lacking in things like plot and substance. I was fearful of the film, but was willing to give it a shot. I have to sadly report that the movie is even worse than I feared. The title “Sucker Punch” seems to be a reference to the movie’s treatment of the audience. It lures you in with hot chicks and over-the-top action but sucker punches you to steal your money with insipid characters and ludicrous ideas. This movie is more than just bad. It is a pile of unwatchable garbage.
I actually find myself a little surprised at how much I disliked this movie. I consider myself a pretty shameless guy who spends half of his waking hours thinking about big tits. You would think that a movie about impossibly hot girls in obsessively sexual outfits in epic action sequences would be right up my alley. Unfortunately I discovered that I’m a guy with a slight hint of depth. The movie is literally just alternating scenes of near-rape fantasies and ridiculous action with no real plot. All mixed in with pop friendly covers of classic rock songs. When you hear a third badly done cover song in the first fifteen minutes of a movie that isn’t a musical, you know a movie has problems.
“Sucker Punch” pretends to have a plot, but it’s really just a video game style set up. It’s like if you say the words “Knock, Knock.” Those words are just a set up to a joke, and not a story with plot or characters. This movie is just a random sequence of scenes tied together with a lame set up involving metaphors and badly defined abilities to control your life. There is no real plot here and the characters are just dolls being dressed up and moved around from scene to scene. Some of the set and costume designs are decent but even those are a hodgepodge of ideas from other people. The girls are also beautiful, but the massive amount of whore makeup is a little much. The fake eyelashes are so long that a gust of wind knocks everything over every time they blink. The actresses were obviously casted for their looks with the performances being bland and unconvincing. The only person who comes off strongly is actress Carla Gugino (Spy Kids) who plays the Russian accented doctor. Though I might have just liked her because she is a redheaded MILF, it’s tough to say.
I didn’t walk into this film with high expectations. But what expectations I did have crashed and burned in the first twenty minutes. There are just so many things about this film that are off putting. I wasn’t particularly offended by the violence and rape attempts against the young women, but the fact that the film so badly communicates its story of empowerment is offensive enough. The film doesn’t stand for or against anything because it isn’t about anything. It just sucker punches you and steals your wallet. And for some reason, that’s only legal for corporations and the government.
Also, in a shameless plug to myself, check out Bruce Osborne on Facebook. I post/link all my stuff there, including chapters on a book I’m working on. Feel free to hit the ‘Like’ button as if you’re an addict.
I also write publish works of fiction on my Bruce Osborne Blog. Feel free to read, follow, or even hate my stuff. I don’t care if people like it, only that they read it.
There are too many movies for me to review in full, so I created a twitter account to give brief opinions on the many movies I view. If you wish to read my smart ass remarks, follow M.O.V.I.E. Reviewer @MutantOpossum.
 Sucker Punch Blondi… $110.00
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 Babydoll Sucker Pun… $1000.00
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 Sucker Punch BabyDo… $11.99
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 Sucker Punch German… $350.00
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 Pink Ranger $20.00
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 Sewing Pattern Butt… $14.00
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 RT’s GIRL POWER… $10.00
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 Handmade girl power… $6.00
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