October is a busy month, especially this year. There is, of course, Halloween. The holiday most of us nerds identify October with. There is also the election this year so everyone who cares is bashing reasons into your face to vote for either of those idiots. October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So today I will be reviewing two movies that I watched mostly because of boobs. Here is to saving the two things in the universe that tie for first as my personal favorites.
Piranha 3DD
“Welcome to rock bottom”
It’s what David Hasselhoff says during his cameo appearance in the film “Piranha 3DD” and that line pretty much sums up the entire movie. While the first “Piranha 3D” was a decent comedy horror film that was able to entertain by staying ironic, its sequel is an unfunny lowly film of despicable taste. I usually don’t get offended by films because I require a form of malice to take offense, but this film is bad to the point of offense. 3DD is not offensive because it’s mean and sexist, but rather because it thinks anyone can be entertained by this garbage. It’s a comedy horror film that isn’t scary or funny. It fails in almost everything it sets out to do and doesn’t even seem to understand what made the first film entertaining. The entire film is like sitting in a dank comedy club listening to a first time comedian tell unfunny joke after unfunny joke and the only other sounds you hear are the crickets. 3DD tries very hard to be funny, but doesn’t understand how to be funny. There are a couple of jokes that drew a light chuckle from me, but there is literally a hundred to one ratio with unfunny to funny jokes.
I only watched this film for two reasons. One, the first one was a decent surprise. I didn’t love “Piranha 3D” because it isn’t the kind of film you would watch multiple times, but a good rental. And the second reason you can probably guess with the ‘DD’ innuendo. I love large breasts just as much as any other American patriot. I’m even somewhat of a connoisseur on the subject. But the problem here is that there is too much silicone and skankyness going around to get any enjoyment. I like my breasts to be real and treated with the respect they deserve. 3DD has neither of that. And you know a film is bad when it can’t even do a good job with boobs.
The Family Tree
I had a hard time determining what this movie’s point is, if it even has one. A movie doesn’t ‘have’ to have a point, but it would be nice to find some depth in my entertainment. Still, I might kinda sorta think I found what it’s about. Guilty Pleasures. Stuff you shouldn’t do, but you still do because it makes you feel good. Things like smoking pot, sleeping with the neighbor, or renting a movie just because it features Christina Hendricks’ amazing rack.
This is a movie about bored people in suburbia driven stir crazy and tries to find interest in guilty pleasures. The problem is you can’t satisfy higher conceptions of boredom by indulging in base instincts. The movie, or the characters, never really realizes this. But things come to a head regardless and resolve many of their boring upper middleclass issues. No one in this movie seems to have a firm grip on things, and it makes you feel like the town they live in is a very silly place. Not Camelot silly, but more like a redneck family in the woods silly. If you like movies about bored rich people that tries to be funny and serious at the same moment, this might be the movie for you. However, if you just like genuine laughter and/or Christina’s rack, I say don’t bother. You get very little of both.
Also, in a shameless plug to myself, check out Bruce Osborne on Facebook. I post/link all my stuff there, including chapters on a book I’m working on. Feel free to hit the ‘Like’ button as if you’re an addict.
I also write publish works of fiction on my Bruce Osborne Blog. Feel free to read, follow, or even hate my stuff. I don’t care if people like it, only that they read it.
There are too many movies for me to review in full, so I created a twitter account to give brief opinions on the many movies I view. If you wish to read my smart ass remarks, follow M.O.V.I.E. Reviewer @MutantOpossum.
 Personalized 4″… $5.00
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 Hot Pink Breast Can… $7.00
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 Save the Rack Appli… $4.00
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 Breast Cancer Ribbo… $2.00
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 Framed Breast Cance… $17.50
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 Breast Cancer Texan… $40.00
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 HOPE – Breast Cance… $15.00
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 Keep Calm and Fight… $10.00
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