Tag Archives: movies reviews

This week, the movie sucks less!

8 Jun

This week my wife and I decided to brave the light and burgeoning heat of Las Vegas to go see a movie at the theater.  There were a number of movies we wanted to see, but it came down to the fact that we did not want to spend the cash on the others because they’ll be just as good at home.  So after little deliberation and an enchanting lunch at our local Marie Callendar’s (I recommend the mushroom, swiss, and onion burger) we set off to go see “X-Men: First Class”.

First off, this review will not try and compare the actual comic book series and this movie.  They are nothing alike.  The only original characters that are in the movie are Professor X, Beast, and Magneto.  That’s it.  Not Banshee.  Not Mystique.  Not Havoc.  So as my wife puts it, just think of this as one of the many alternate X-Men realities we have all been exposed to over the years.

(Spoilers after the jump…)

Continue reading

Huh? What?

1 Jun

Well my film loving friends, I have again chosen a masterpiece of modern cinema.  It’s so awesome it has subtitles for chunks of the movie.  Subtitles make movies better, right?  No.  Now I actually tried to find a movie for you, my fans, to actually watch and enjoy.  I scanned my extensive movie library for and esoteric film of awesomeness.  I stumbled through pages of NetFlix films to no avail.  I then went to my old stand by friend, Fearnet.  I have always found incredibly awesome movies there, and I thought the one I picked starring Gary Oldman would be perfect for today’s review.  The movie is called “The Backwoods” and it is filmed in the Basque region of Spain.  If you are unsure what the Basque region of Spain is, think of every horrible, backwards, redneck stereotypical remote movie location you can, then add Spaniards that drink wine instead of beer and wear suits and long-sleeved button-up shirts instead of torn flannel shirts and jeans.  If you can picture this, you understand the backdrop of this movie.

Now the the whole point of this movie, I think, is that the visiting English characters (Gary Oldman is one of these characters) stumble upon an abandoned house deep in the woods while hunting.  Gary decides to kick the door in and take a rest there.  He and his hunting companion, Paddy Considine, find locked in one of the rooms, a deformed girl.  They are horrified at her deformities, and decide to take her home and then to the police so the horrible people who did this can pay. Continue reading

A gift to you, my fellow movie fanatics.

25 May

This week I bring to you a movie that I cannot even summon words to describe.  This movie has space ships, a decimated Earth with no resources left, space vampires, space vampire hunters, and Michael Ironside.  What is the name of this word-defying movie you ask?  What does the movie poster look like?  Well this movie actually has two names.  Two names make a movie better, right?  It sure does in my opinion, and really, as we all know it, my opinion is the only one that counts here.  So without further ado, I give you the double-titled movie “Bloodsuckers” or “Vampire Wars“.


My review of this movie will only encourage you, my fine readers, to heed my words.  DON’T FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!  If you are so inclined to think you can handle this mess of a movie, I give you some alternate options I wish I had done instead of watching this movie.

1.  Watch “BattleField Earth“.

2.  Flay your own skin with rusty tools.

3.  Pick your favorite hallucinogenic drug and eat beef made from cows with bovine spongiform encephalopathy.

4.  Dress in Garanimals and wait for an ice cream truck that has “ice cream and naps” written on the side of it.

5.  Drive by mental institutions or prisons and pick up hitchhikers.

6.  Or any other form of painful torture that the CIA does not use on their prisoners.

As for a rating this week, I give this movie ZERO GW’s out of GW’s.

Til the future.

What’s more enjoyable than a barrel full of vampires?

18 May

Well that’s what I asked myself about this week’s piece of cinema verite, “Daybreakers”.  Now I dig horror movies, sociopolitical movies, science fiction movies, and dystopian future movies, but for the love of all that is holy, not compiled into a giant pile of crap.  This movie had an awesome idea, what if the world was run by vampires and humans were hunted for food?  I dig that, I really do.  There could be all sorts of cool, creepy scenes where the cattle-like humans are hiding from vampire hunters.  The hunters grab them, a human fights back and is torn apart as the rest of the humans stare on in disbelief as they are dragged away to become dinner.  This would be an awesome scene, but no such luck. 

“Daybreakers” sports an awesome cast.  Ethan Hawke stars as the vampire hematologist working on a way to create synthetic blood to sustain the Vampire race.  Willem Dafoe plays a vampire, turned human, vampire hunter.  And last, but not least, is Sam Neill as the evil vampire corporate head looking to control the world.  This movie should have been awesome.  Let me say that again.  This movie should have been awesome.  Look at these pics: This movie really should have rocked my socks off, but instead I spent the time sexting with some, er, I mean texting with a friend.

My movie loving friends, do yourselves a favor, avoid this movie like a vampire plague.  Really.  Don’t waste the time.  Find something better to do, anything.  Like pull out your toenails with a pair of pliers or drill holes in your head with a dull drill.  Like I said anything, I really do mean anything.

Although there is one reason to see this movie.  This movie contains one of the funniest lines I have ever heard uttered in a  movie since Boromir said “They have a cave troll.”  The line is delivered by Willem Dafoe, and if the movie was as incredible as this line, it would have gotten GW’s out of , but instead it only gets 1 GW.  With that said I will leave you with said line and let you decide whether or not you can survive this movie or not.

“Living in a world where vampires are the dominant species is about as safe as bare-backing a 5 dollar whore.”

Til the future.

The movie review about the big blonde guy with a hammer.

11 May

This weekend, we as a movie loving world, were not just given one awesome movie about Thor, but three!  That’s right, three Thor movies.  How many did you see this weekend?  Well as your faithful reviewer, I saw them all.  Marvel Pictures gave us the best of the three with “Thor”.  SyFy channel gave us the other two, “Thor, The Hammer of the Gods” and “Almighty Thor”.  I watched over six hours of movies that deal with The God of Thunder, and after that, I can say, two-thirds of my brain have been melted by stupidity.

Here are the movie posters for each, the last was so bad, it couldn’t afford even a crappy, fake, poorly CGIed poster.  That should tell you something.  In all honesty, I actually want my four hours back from the last two movies and I never say that about movies, even “Battlefield: Earth”.

With that out in the open, let’s just concentrate on the only decent movie of the three, the official Marvel release of “Thor”.  This movie was a fairly good representation of Marvel’s Thor.  The depiction of the merging between magic and technology was a great homage to Jack Kirby’s art.  It really made me feel like there was a Magi-Tech Asgard watching all of the realms.  The skylines were awesome and the armor/clothing were just perfect.  The story was originally conceived by J. Michael Straczynski and Mark Protosevich and really gave us a good look into how a banished god stuck on Earth would act.  These were some of the funniest scenes in the movie, including the coffee scene.

Kenneth Branagh directed this movie brilliantly using all of his past Shakespearean credits to truly give us a dysfunctional family triangle between Thor, Odin, and Loki.  When Thor was among the humans, he stole every scene.  He truly brought the attitude of a god to the screen, but it was Loki that stole the movie in my opinion.  The God of Mischief was at the same time a smooth talking, highly likable character and the most despicable bastard.  He truly was the perfect counter point to the brash headstrong Thor.

If you like comic book movies, and you probably do if you are here in The Basement, I give “Thor” a whopping GW’s out of .  The other two movies don’t even rate graphic ratings.  But if you have time to kill, and have no issue with losing some brain cells, do tune into the others and bring a good strong adult beverage to wallow in, as it will be your savior.  And hey, maybe you can come with some sort of Thor drinking game.

‘THOR Gallery’O’Geek’ 


Avengers Nail Set

$7.00

Thor’s Hammer W…

$24.99

Helm of the Mighty …

$35.00

Recycled Comic ID,B…

$4.00

Hammer of the Gods …

$29.00

THOR Vinyl Decal St…

$14.00

Thor comic box

$12.00

Party Pack of 12 Th…

$10.00

Vintage Thor Recycl…

$18.00

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